Just a randomness

I know that I am no longer the same person I was 6 yrs ago. I not the same person I was a week ago. I've grown up and become a better person, mother, friend, and overall better me. Yet the ONE thing I can not and will not change is the love I feel for ALL my children. I love Tripp to the end of the earth and back. I'm doing my best to do right for him. I go to work when I'm supposed and able to. Some days I get called to leave early due to something with him. However, those days are far and few between. I work my tail off to support us and take care of my support for the boys. I get hurt by others and I don't get upset. I cry inside and keep moving on never letting go of the small hope I will again see my other children. .... Everyone wants to just say that moms are the bad ones for keeping the kids from the dads, but what about the dads who do that to the moms? ..... I've done everything in my power to give them the chance to see the results but I'm met with resistance. I get a small bit of hope dangled in front of me to see my girls and then its yanked away. I fall backwards a few feet but I never give up. I will keep going! I will continue to just cry inside and put the smile on each day. Tripp will never feel that is not good enough for me. He is my blessing and an amazing gift from God when I felt I was done having children. I thank God everyday for Tripp. I should write more often but just need a better place to do it. Maybe one day I will write a book about my life and it will be a best seller or maybe it will at least help me fully heal on this topic.

So please anyone who reads this please hug your children extra tight and be thankful you get to.

Time to update and use again.

I found out I was pregnant Feb. 15th. It was a shock. My pregnancy went as well as I could expect I figured. I continued to focus on eating well and for a short time I lost weight. I did end up being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this time. I followed my "diet" and still didn't gain weight. Around 28 weeks I starting itching badly. I was told I had developed Cholestasis of Pregnancy - which meant I would have to deliver earlier than I had expected. Around 34 weeks I finally started putting on weight which I had lost. I delivered a healthy baby boy weighing in at 8lbs 2ozs and 21 inches long at 37 weeks 3 days gestation on September 26th @ 2:41pm. He is absolutely beautiful.

I love him very much, but he will never replaced the hole in my heart from missing my other children. It has been pretty well 3 years since I have seen my other kids and each day that passes I miss them more than I did the day before. I pray that someday they come find me so I can tell them how much I miss and love them and prayed each day for them to grow up and be happy.

Well got some exciting news

I found out I am pregnant! I got an ultrasound yesterday and I am 6wks along and due 10/14/14! This is my last baby. So this pregnancy will be bittersweet. I will cherish every moment good or bad this time. I am thankful for this pregnancy and doing my best to take care of myself already.

Always Tired

I am always tired. My medicine is acting weird and making me sleepy again. Plus I got put on a new medicine that makes it difficult to sleep, but once I am asleep I am OUT! I have dreams of the kids and it breaks my heart that I can't see them. I am trying to change that but is a slow process.

Work is going well. I hope my review goes well in a couple weeks. I am learning new products and retaining new knowledge.

I need to get some lab work done but I'm avoiding it because I am afraid of the results and it's not even for glucose levels or anything. I need to get my levels checked for one of my medicines.

Well stay safe and warm. Take care.

Tired

I am trying to do the right thing by the girls and shane's wishes by going through the court. Well I try to get help to get an attorney for parenting time and i ask shane for the address so i can give it to the attorney. I get accused to trying to abuse the system and take advantage of him. I want to see my girls but i will go through the channels he wants. I'm not going to drive about 3 1/2 hours on the chance I might get a glimpse of them outside by the house. I just want them to know I love them and I am sorry I didn't get the help I needed sooner.

The boys are another story. I don't even contact their dad (not supposed to anyways). So i added them to the list of kids I want parenting time with. That should go over like a ton of bricks in quicksand.

I pray each night for them and I will never stop loving them ever!

Try to do the right thing

I am trying to get some legal help so I can get some parenting time with my children. I can't seem to do the right thing there. I ask for the address for the girls dad and it gets turned into drama about how i haven't changed and never will. I wasn't going to go to the house or anything i wanted it for an attorney if I was able to obtain one. The girls birthday cards will sit with me until I am able to see them again - each year marked and money included. I am going to start being a better person. I am going to remember birthdays and such.

The fathers using the kids to hurt me will come back to bite all of us and i just pray the kids forgive me someday. 

Happy Flipping New Year

Another year has come and gone. I still have yet to see my children, whom I miss so very much it hurts. I am sure they are growing like weeds. I wonder if they ask about me, think about me or even love me anymore. I love them so much and will always love them no matter the outcome. I got some good news the other day and well lets just say it was an spirit uplifting type of good news. Don't want to share fully just yet incase the wrong person gets the info and tries to use it in an evil manner.

I am working and praying each and every day. My support gets paid - i hope it is being used on the boys and not the business bills. I hope some day God can show me he has forgiven me for my sins and will some how let the kids dads know that I am a changed for the better person now.

Being a bi-polar depressed woman sucks. I have to fight hard each and every day to over come my fears, thoughts, and everything else. I take my medicine but it doesn't always feel as though it works. some days it feels like I am fighting this fight alone. other days i feel like I can take on the world by myself and win!

May 2014 bring new wonders, love, and trials my way so that I can continue down the right path towards a being a better person.

Oh Joy

I had some lab work done last week because i started seeing a new doctor and they wanted to check my sugar and cholesterol. Cholesterol was good... sugar not so much came back pre diabetic. My mom, an aunt, and uncle are diabetic which i figured i would have a chance in life to be one as well. The nurse told me the doctor said to make some changes .. low carb, low fat, low sugar and high protein. I live in a house with 6 men (one being my husband) and I don't always cook the meals because of being at work. it's rare for me to drink pop but when i do i partake in the diet stuff and no more than 24oz in a day.  ... back to track now ... i have been researching online things to do and i can't seem to find a good source of information. The doctor won't give me a guideline ruling until after my A1C comes back (which was done today). Something I have noticed is that back in march around the 6th i started having low sugar issues and now I am having high sugar issues. i can be 109 at first wake up then be 79 3hrs later(after eating a bowl of cocoa puffs). i've had it go up to 204 in the last week while I was at work. I chugged 20oz bottle of water and went back to work. i guess i will start watching my carb intake and monitoring sugars more closely. i can do this!

Finally making strides

I am slowly feeling better but not 100%. taking each day one at a time. It gets hard at times to think of all the things i am missing in my kids lives. I am letting them down and I know it. I wish i could be there for them all every day likes I was before I had my break down. Right now that is not possible. I know things are finally starting to look up because I am actually doing adult like things. I pay the 2 cell phone bills and van insurance every month on time. This month I started to pay on past due medical bills. I can't just keep ignoring them, they won't go away. So yay for me for finally realizing things are MY responsibility and I have to tend to them. Took me a few years but I am finally making progress and it shows. I am saving some money back for a day out with 3 of the grand kids in June and then whatever money is left is going into the attorney fund so I can get visitation with my kids. I miss them all so very much!!

I am losing weight and have lost 41lbs. so great progress for me. I am back to pre Aja pregnancy weight which feels good. Slowly working my way down to pre Sabrina pregnancy weight. That will take a little time but I am up for the challenge. I am sticking with them because I have noticed some major improvements in my health in just the 41lbs I have lost. I can breathe a lot easier and my legs don't hurt as much. One thing that has happened since last year and the weight gain is that my cycles are very irregular and it is difficult to get pregnant. Which i guess isn't a complete bad thing for my body but I would love to have one more and then call it quits. Oh how I want to show the world what a changed person I have become since Sept 2011. I have faith that all things are happening for a reason. I am happy with the amount of kids I have brought into this world and love them very much. I am thankful for Don having enough love for me to give me a chance. He has some wonderful grand kids who are a lot of fun to be around. I really can't wait to meet the rest of the grand kids and be apart of their lives as well. 

I have been working at Meijer for 6 months now, which for me lately is a big progress. I do miss working at Royal Excursion at times because of the money and people i would drive around. I miss my grocery store people, they were a blast to be around. I enjoy working at Meijer because my co-workers make it fun, the customers for the most part as grateful for friendly cashiers and give us thanks when we do a good job. I always do my absolute best to make they check out as fast, friendly, and pleasant as possible. I have learned you can't please everyone but I still try my best.

I guess really i am trying to prove to myself that I can do what it takes to be the best person I can be and I am ready for whatever life brings my way. 

Job Search and Weight Loss

I've been actively looking for work now for 4wks. So far nothing has come up as of yet. I did have a job interview today at Meijer and it looks really promising that a job will be offered. Excited about it really. Can't wait to get back into the swing of working and paying my support in full to benefit my boys. My depression has taken a big turn and i feel worse again. I know it has to do with the fact that I am not working right now. I am slowly working thru it and will continue to do so.

I have started a life style change and will work with it until I reach my ultimate goal weight or the doctor agrees to let me have surgery. I am tracking everything on myfitnesspal.com, loseit.com, and writing things down on a daily basis so i can show the doctor my progress. I am already down 5lbs since I started on Sunday. Just a small update.

I miss my kids and love them very much. I pray they know that deep in their hearts.