Just a randomness

I know that I am no longer the same person I was 6 yrs ago. I not the same person I was a week ago. I've grown up and become a better person, mother, friend, and overall better me. Yet the ONE thing I can not and will not change is the love I feel for ALL my children. I love Tripp to the end of the earth and back. I'm doing my best to do right for him. I go to work when I'm supposed and able to. Some days I get called to leave early due to something with him. However, those days are far and few between. I work my tail off to support us and take care of my support for the boys. I get hurt by others and I don't get upset. I cry inside and keep moving on never letting go of the small hope I will again see my other children. .... Everyone wants to just say that moms are the bad ones for keeping the kids from the dads, but what about the dads who do that to the moms? ..... I've done everything in my power to give them the chance to see the results but I'm met with resistance. I get a small bit of hope dangled in front of me to see my girls and then its yanked away. I fall backwards a few feet but I never give up. I will keep going! I will continue to just cry inside and put the smile on each day. Tripp will never feel that is not good enough for me. He is my blessing and an amazing gift from God when I felt I was done having children. I thank God everyday for Tripp. I should write more often but just need a better place to do it. Maybe one day I will write a book about my life and it will be a best seller or maybe it will at least help me fully heal on this topic.

So please anyone who reads this please hug your children extra tight and be thankful you get to.

Time to update and use again.

I found out I was pregnant Feb. 15th. It was a shock. My pregnancy went as well as I could expect I figured. I continued to focus on eating well and for a short time I lost weight. I did end up being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this time. I followed my "diet" and still didn't gain weight. Around 28 weeks I starting itching badly. I was told I had developed Cholestasis of Pregnancy - which meant I would have to deliver earlier than I had expected. Around 34 weeks I finally started putting on weight which I had lost. I delivered a healthy baby boy weighing in at 8lbs 2ozs and 21 inches long at 37 weeks 3 days gestation on September 26th @ 2:41pm. He is absolutely beautiful.

I love him very much, but he will never replaced the hole in my heart from missing my other children. It has been pretty well 3 years since I have seen my other kids and each day that passes I miss them more than I did the day before. I pray that someday they come find me so I can tell them how much I miss and love them and prayed each day for them to grow up and be happy.

Well got some exciting news

I found out I am pregnant! I got an ultrasound yesterday and I am 6wks along and due 10/14/14! This is my last baby. So this pregnancy will be bittersweet. I will cherish every moment good or bad this time. I am thankful for this pregnancy and doing my best to take care of myself already.

Always Tired

I am always tired. My medicine is acting weird and making me sleepy again. Plus I got put on a new medicine that makes it difficult to sleep, but once I am asleep I am OUT! I have dreams of the kids and it breaks my heart that I can't see them. I am trying to change that but is a slow process.

Work is going well. I hope my review goes well in a couple weeks. I am learning new products and retaining new knowledge.

I need to get some lab work done but I'm avoiding it because I am afraid of the results and it's not even for glucose levels or anything. I need to get my levels checked for one of my medicines.

Well stay safe and warm. Take care.

Tired

I am trying to do the right thing by the girls and shane's wishes by going through the court. Well I try to get help to get an attorney for parenting time and i ask shane for the address so i can give it to the attorney. I get accused to trying to abuse the system and take advantage of him. I want to see my girls but i will go through the channels he wants. I'm not going to drive about 3 1/2 hours on the chance I might get a glimpse of them outside by the house. I just want them to know I love them and I am sorry I didn't get the help I needed sooner.

The boys are another story. I don't even contact their dad (not supposed to anyways). So i added them to the list of kids I want parenting time with. That should go over like a ton of bricks in quicksand.

I pray each night for them and I will never stop loving them ever!

Try to do the right thing

I am trying to get some legal help so I can get some parenting time with my children. I can't seem to do the right thing there. I ask for the address for the girls dad and it gets turned into drama about how i haven't changed and never will. I wasn't going to go to the house or anything i wanted it for an attorney if I was able to obtain one. The girls birthday cards will sit with me until I am able to see them again - each year marked and money included. I am going to start being a better person. I am going to remember birthdays and such.

The fathers using the kids to hurt me will come back to bite all of us and i just pray the kids forgive me someday. 

Happy Flipping New Year

Another year has come and gone. I still have yet to see my children, whom I miss so very much it hurts. I am sure they are growing like weeds. I wonder if they ask about me, think about me or even love me anymore. I love them so much and will always love them no matter the outcome. I got some good news the other day and well lets just say it was an spirit uplifting type of good news. Don't want to share fully just yet incase the wrong person gets the info and tries to use it in an evil manner.

I am working and praying each and every day. My support gets paid - i hope it is being used on the boys and not the business bills. I hope some day God can show me he has forgiven me for my sins and will some how let the kids dads know that I am a changed for the better person now.

Being a bi-polar depressed woman sucks. I have to fight hard each and every day to over come my fears, thoughts, and everything else. I take my medicine but it doesn't always feel as though it works. some days it feels like I am fighting this fight alone. other days i feel like I can take on the world by myself and win!

May 2014 bring new wonders, love, and trials my way so that I can continue down the right path towards a being a better person.

Oh Joy

I had some lab work done last week because i started seeing a new doctor and they wanted to check my sugar and cholesterol. Cholesterol was good... sugar not so much came back pre diabetic. My mom, an aunt, and uncle are diabetic which i figured i would have a chance in life to be one as well. The nurse told me the doctor said to make some changes .. low carb, low fat, low sugar and high protein. I live in a house with 6 men (one being my husband) and I don't always cook the meals because of being at work. it's rare for me to drink pop but when i do i partake in the diet stuff and no more than 24oz in a day.  ... back to track now ... i have been researching online things to do and i can't seem to find a good source of information. The doctor won't give me a guideline ruling until after my A1C comes back (which was done today). Something I have noticed is that back in march around the 6th i started having low sugar issues and now I am having high sugar issues. i can be 109 at first wake up then be 79 3hrs later(after eating a bowl of cocoa puffs). i've had it go up to 204 in the last week while I was at work. I chugged 20oz bottle of water and went back to work. i guess i will start watching my carb intake and monitoring sugars more closely. i can do this!

Finally making strides

I am slowly feeling better but not 100%. taking each day one at a time. It gets hard at times to think of all the things i am missing in my kids lives. I am letting them down and I know it. I wish i could be there for them all every day likes I was before I had my break down. Right now that is not possible. I know things are finally starting to look up because I am actually doing adult like things. I pay the 2 cell phone bills and van insurance every month on time. This month I started to pay on past due medical bills. I can't just keep ignoring them, they won't go away. So yay for me for finally realizing things are MY responsibility and I have to tend to them. Took me a few years but I am finally making progress and it shows. I am saving some money back for a day out with 3 of the grand kids in June and then whatever money is left is going into the attorney fund so I can get visitation with my kids. I miss them all so very much!!

I am losing weight and have lost 41lbs. so great progress for me. I am back to pre Aja pregnancy weight which feels good. Slowly working my way down to pre Sabrina pregnancy weight. That will take a little time but I am up for the challenge. I am sticking with them because I have noticed some major improvements in my health in just the 41lbs I have lost. I can breathe a lot easier and my legs don't hurt as much. One thing that has happened since last year and the weight gain is that my cycles are very irregular and it is difficult to get pregnant. Which i guess isn't a complete bad thing for my body but I would love to have one more and then call it quits. Oh how I want to show the world what a changed person I have become since Sept 2011. I have faith that all things are happening for a reason. I am happy with the amount of kids I have brought into this world and love them very much. I am thankful for Don having enough love for me to give me a chance. He has some wonderful grand kids who are a lot of fun to be around. I really can't wait to meet the rest of the grand kids and be apart of their lives as well. 

I have been working at Meijer for 6 months now, which for me lately is a big progress. I do miss working at Royal Excursion at times because of the money and people i would drive around. I miss my grocery store people, they were a blast to be around. I enjoy working at Meijer because my co-workers make it fun, the customers for the most part as grateful for friendly cashiers and give us thanks when we do a good job. I always do my absolute best to make they check out as fast, friendly, and pleasant as possible. I have learned you can't please everyone but I still try my best.

I guess really i am trying to prove to myself that I can do what it takes to be the best person I can be and I am ready for whatever life brings my way. 

Job Search and Weight Loss

I've been actively looking for work now for 4wks. So far nothing has come up as of yet. I did have a job interview today at Meijer and it looks really promising that a job will be offered. Excited about it really. Can't wait to get back into the swing of working and paying my support in full to benefit my boys. My depression has taken a big turn and i feel worse again. I know it has to do with the fact that I am not working right now. I am slowly working thru it and will continue to do so.

I have started a life style change and will work with it until I reach my ultimate goal weight or the doctor agrees to let me have surgery. I am tracking everything on myfitnesspal.com, loseit.com, and writing things down on a daily basis so i can show the doctor my progress. I am already down 5lbs since I started on Sunday. Just a small update.

I miss my kids and love them very much. I pray they know that deep in their hearts.

Feeliong Not Bad

Well I didn't go to jail in May or July. I got a job which will sadly end in a few weeks as the company is going out of business. However, I was able to pay on the child support weekly for a few months and work on the amount I am behind. Which is a good thing. I am looking for another job to start after my current position ends. My medicine has been working really well. I feel like a new person and the depression episodes have been getting less. I am having mild panic attacks every morning at work. Not sure exactly why but I work thru them and don't let them get me down.

I have been having a few minor issues with my health so I have decided to take an active rule in losing some weight. I am currently at 250lbs and this is down from 260 2wks ago. I started Fat Predator today and so far the energy level is increased and we will see how this works over the course of a month. This is my before picture. I have my outfit I am trying on once a week to see how it fits. My first goal is 230lbs. If I can reach that then I know I will be on a good path to losing the weight and keeping it off! I retain my weight in the mid-section and it makes for difficult movements on somethings.

I guess for now this is all I really have to say other than ... I miss my kids so very much and I hope they all know that I love them so much it hurts not seeing them.

I Can't Win For Losing

last week I received a piece of mail from a pediatric eye doctor. It was an appointment card and new patient packet. I didn't make the appointment plus it was sent to the other address and forwarded to me. So I called the office to inquiry as to why it was sent in my name. Found out Leo is to see the eye doctor on April 20th. So I inform the lady that the mail was sent under the wrong name. She asked didn't we send it to the correct address? Well Yes you did however it was in my name and got forwarded. She apologized after i explained some of the situation to her. I told her which parents name to re-send the mail in and to the address on file. As far as I know I still have parental rights and can have access to the medical information if need be. I knew that I wouldn't see Rick again until May 7th. So I did what I felt was the proper thing (even though there is a no contact order in place between Rick and myself,) which was called and left a message on the voice-mail for Rick to inform him I received the mail and had called the office to let them know which name to re-send it in. Somehow the a-hole decides that I did all this without proper authorization and filed court papers to try and have me found in contempt and try to have me put in jail. If I go to jail fine so be it, but you know what I'd do it again as I'm not going to willingly let me child miss an appointment because his father is going to be a prick. I just wish he'd realize he has won and I have lost. He has the control he has always desired and never could get completely over me.  I try to do what a parent should do when there is a separation, but all it does it get me in trouble legally. So again I say "I Can't Win for Losing".

Sad Day for me

Today is Sabrina's 10th birthday. This makes for 2 birthday's i've missed of hers. Makes me sad and want to cry. I feel like I've failed as mother and person for missing her birthday again. I've tried to get a contact established but her father won't let me have the information I need to do that. I know he feels he has a good reason but he doesn't know how far I've come in my mental progress now. I've made a lot of progress. I just want to even be able to speak to my children and i'd be happy so they can hear me say "I love you" to them.

10yrs ago she was born after a night of induced labor. She was my little girl and beautiful. now she is growing into a young lady and still very beautiful. she is a very smart little girl and i am thankful for that. I pray everyday she knows that I love her and wish I could see her.

So in hopes of maybe someday she will get to read this.... Happy 10th Birthday to my Wonderful Daughter, Sabrina!!

Pregnancy

My pregnancies weren't the easiest in the world but no where near as complicated as others have either. The pregnancy was just rough on my body at points and it was made known. With Sabrina, I lost feeling in my legs at 6 months pregnant for about 6hrs, then at 38-39wks I developed a DVT which broken free becoming a PE and landing me in the hospital for a week, then delivered her at 41wks 2 days. Aja, I fell belly down at 7 months, came down with the flu around the same time, and had the same breathing issues as with Sabrina just no medical reason. Aja was born at 38wks 3days. Osiris - lets see here, I was so sick in the beginning i lost 30lbs (which really wasn't a problem i had some to lose), i had bad asthma problems, and delivered him at 37wks after back labor for a week and a half. Thaddeus landed me in the hospital at 14wks with leg swelling and everyone freaking out thinking i had another DVT, and I started taking lovenox injections, also developed a small tear in my amnio sac which landed me on taking it easy (it did heal fine on its own). Thaddeus was delivered at 38wks 6days. Mr Leonidas - now he wasn't a big issue really, but by the time he came around my poor body was so tired already I was prepared for almost anything except unexplained bleeding at 13wks which would make an appearance once in a while during the rest of the pregnancy.

Well all this leads me to the reason for the post anyways -- I found out on March 17th I am pregnant but its already giving a lot more questions than answers. I went to the ER on March 22nd for bleeding, I was told everything looked fine and that I am pregnant but just not as far as I thought I was. March 23rd i had another blood test ran as a follow-up from the night before and my hcg went from 23 to 41. I still bled for a week though. I was not ready to admit defeat though. I called the doctor anyways again and told them i passed something that looked like placenta. A quantitative hcg blood test was ordered and it came back that the levels went from 41 to 75. It is rising just not how it was supposed to be. I had another test ran on March 30 by the primary and they wouldn't tell me the results just that it went up. April 3rd another blood test ran and it went from 75 to 275. So now the OB is questioning himself on my pregnancy. When I asked him on March 29th about it he said i just dont feel your pregnant anymore. Now he is not sure that was right. He told me he is not saying i still couldn't miscarry but as of right now we will go with  i am pregnant and levels going up is a good thing. Current levels have me at about my 4th week of pregnancy. Yes going back that doesn't seem right since i got a positive on march 17th. I was able to get an ultrasound scheduled for April 17th @ 10am and it will seem like forever to get here.

Thru all of this Don has been supportive and caring. He tells me that no matter what happens it was ment to be and we will get thru this together. I will say though being pregnant makes me miss my kids even more because they won't get to be apart of this like they deserve to be.

Feeling Blue

Lately the last few days I have been feeling a little down compared to the norm of the last few weeks. I can't pinpoint what exactly is making me feel blue except I keep thinking about my kids. I miss them all so much. I want to be selfish and go take them all away for a day without permission BUT I KNOW that is not in their best interest or mine for that matter. I would even settle right now for pictures of my kids being sent to me so i can see them grow up. Watching them grow up in pictures in better than nothing at all.

I'm scared that this missing my kids will throw me into a deeper depression and land me in the hospital. Then what good would that do anyone? Nothing at all! Wouldn't do my husband or myself any good. I can AND will beat this feeling! Maybe a good walk will help me. That will be my plan for the day - take an hr walk.

I feel better a lil bit just writing this out to express myself. I know it is not a cure all but it really does help.

December 2010 to present

December 9, 2010 is the day my world changed and not for the better. It was my birthday and I had a phone call from DCS (Department of Child Services) to come to the office to speak with someone. Upon arrival I knew something was wrong as Aja was there. -- Backing up a few days to December 7th -- Aja had a small scrape mark on her right shin and it was shown to the school nurse. The nurse did her job and reported to the social worker who did her job (not very well though) and called DCS on December 8th. December 9th someone goes to question Aja about what had happened and how she got the mark. I had known for a while things with Rick weren't heading well but I was trying to tough it out because I felt we could work past it all in the end. -- Well after questioning me on December 9th the social worker told me she wanted to speak with Rick about the matter. Upon doing that I was informed they would be removing the girls from the home but felt the boys were safe since they were Rick's children. I rushed to the school to tell Sabrina what was going on and that I loved her. They had one week of the 1st semester left and I really wanted them to finish it at Xavier since I knew the dads home was not ready for 2 girls to be living there.

Things happened over the next week like court and being bullied into a decision I didn't realize I had a choice in the matter. So the girls were in foster care for almost 2 weeks right before the holidays. The court made a decision (after the case worker went behind a judges back to another judge to get it granted) that the girls could go stay with their dad during this whole ordeal (at least they would be with family for the holidays). I entered a complete emotional break-down. I didn't want to get out of bed, do much of anything, or spend time with the boys either. I felt so depressed and alone.

I am not saying I was or am a perfect person. I have made many bad choices in my life. I cheated on Rick with a few guys during 2011 because I just didn't feel that connection to him anymore. The year of 2011 was nothing but horrid painful memories that I wish I could forget. There was a lot of court dates, bad choices on my part, and one shining glimmer of light late in the year. --- I missed all the kids birthdays without seeing them. I missed Aja graduate Kindergarten. I wasn't there for Sabrina when she made herself so sick from anorexia that she ended up in the ER. I just wasn't there for my kids like a mother should be & I feel so bad about it but nothing I can do now to change it.

October 25, 2011 was the next day where my life turned shitty. On this day the father's were granted full custody of the children and my visitation with the girls was fully suspended until a therapist decides (which the girls dad refuses to let happen) while my visitation with the boys went to supervised.

----- August 27 2011 I met a really nice guy and after things with the boys dad were actually "over", I needed a place to stay and this guy helped me out. We got to together shortly there after and got married December 9 2011. -----

I have been diagnosed as a bi-polar with depression and schizophrenic like thoughts. Which does explain some of my actions but not them all. I am giving it time to get better still. On the right medicine finally and pray the day I see my kids again is sooner than later.

I will be using this blog to give updates on what is going on.

Blog taking a turn

This blog has taken a turn and will no longer be able my family. long story which will be covered in a post. I expect to be judged harshly from others.

Not Going to Recap 2010 ...

Let's just say way too much happened. It was a very stressful and yet wonderful year watching my children grow.

2011 is going well.

Sabrina made the A/B Honor Roll in school (I AM SO PROUD OF HER!) She has made great improvements since she started her ADD medication.

Aja is in the top of her class. Thank You Westside Preschool!

I guess the biggest shock for everyone is .... "I made it thru 2010 and DIDN'T get pregnant!"

The boys are doing well. Thaddeus is going to make a great linebacker some day. He weighs more than Osiris and is almost as tall as him. 

Osiris is having a few medical issues but nothing major and just grateful that my children are truly healthy. Osiris has low iron stores in his body. He is on iron supplements and i "sneak" it in his drinks but if i get just a tad too much he will tell me "tastes bad" and refuse to drink it. When you test his hemoglobin the number there is GREAT, but the stores just keep dropping lower and lower. I have him drinking Kid Essentials drinks everyday to replacement his cow milk intake. He loves it and its FAR FAR FAR better for him! He goes to see the nutritionist on Tuesday. I told them I need help because he is bruising so easily right now and with Osiris and Thaddeus starting the "brotherly love (aka wrestling)" I don't need him covered head to toe in bruises. He is definitely my weaker immune kid. He caught the flu that is going around and got it badly. He became severely dehydrated and was admitted to the hospital for fluids and rest. He is doing better now and pretty much back to himself with just a wee bit of being tired easily hanging around.

Leo is trying so hard to be his own man already. Its cute!

I am looking for a job and right now anything will do. The boys go to daycare during the day and I need something to do other than lay around. I am starting a lifestyle change in my eating habits and so far I have lost 4.4lbs since Jan 1st. 

I see great things coming to my family in 2011 -- I hope that happens because (as spongebob would say --) I AM READY!

Okay so been awhile

It has been awhile since my last useful post.

The kids are doing well.

• Sabrina has been diagnosed with ADD (which i honestly figured she had). She has a really hard time with focusing on things. 
• Aja graduated from Pre-K on May 24. I can't believe it! We also found out that Aja is far-sighted (badly!!) and needs glasses. her teacher had no idea and now we are wondering how she was able to do her school work when she couldn't see it.
• We have been told that Osiris has 3 of 4 genetic markers for Celiac diease (D8 and both D2's). He was sent to Riley for more testing and they had no idea why we were even there. It was a long day that day. His blood work came back normal but I don't trust it because the normal blood test is not considered reliable under the age of 3. I will just trust my gut and see what happens. Osiris goes for an MRI on June 4th to check a bump on his head that was his soft spot that closed too soon to make sure there is no tumor there
• Thaddeus is growing like a weed. I am concerned with him for one reason and only one reason. He seems to have some major balance issues. He gets to try to move too fast and eats the floor all the time. I am having it checked out at his check-up on June 18th. I was told that would be the best time to get it addressed. I am thinking it might be just his huge head size but want to make sure. 
• Leo is almost 6 months old and wow I can't believe how fast the time has gone! He is rolling over like a champ, holding is bottle, and trying to eat everything in sight it seems. He is so sweet and loving. I am really enjoying watching him grow but feel bad that I wasn't able to truly do the same for Osiris or Thaddeus. 

I started the South Beach diet almost 2wks ago. I should of waited but oh well. I will just do Phase 1 a few weeks longer before switching to phase 2. I started out at 228.8  and currently down to 223.6. I had lost a total of 7lbs but gained a few back last weekend when I went to the 10yr class reunion. Life with Rick has been difficult to deal with lately. I have given him a year (since last July) to get his issues -- his anxiety mainly be taken care of. That is hard to do when you refuse to accept the treatment given to you by a doctor. I am so tired of being yelled at and treated like a child. Last I knew I was a grown woman who is 28yrs old.

I spend most of my days now tending to kids and cleaning. I vacuum everyday and wow I didn't realize how much I would have to vacuum laminate floor since there is no carpet but the dog hair shows up in small balls lol! I am rarely on BBC and if I do get on there it is late at night or on a off day (meaning i am down and dont want to clean). I do love my life and love my kids. I just wish at times things were a little easier to understand and make sense of. It would also be helpful if Rick would do his work in the shop and stop griping because its not getting done when he is just not feeling like it.

Nap time so its time to do some dishes.

Nap time 

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