Lately the last few days I have been feeling a little down compared to the norm of the last few weeks. I can't pinpoint what exactly is making me feel blue except I keep thinking about my kids. I miss them all so much. I want to be selfish and go take them all away for a day without permission BUT I KNOW that is not in their best interest or mine for that matter. I would even settle right now for pictures of my kids being sent to me so i can see them grow up. Watching them grow up in pictures in better than nothing at all.
I'm scared that this missing my kids will throw me into a deeper depression and land me in the hospital. Then what good would that do anyone? Nothing at all! Wouldn't do my husband or myself any good. I can AND will beat this feeling! Maybe a good walk will help me. That will be my plan for the day - take an hr walk.
I feel better a lil bit just writing this out to express myself. I know it is not a cure all but it really does help.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
December 2010 to present
December 9, 2010 is the day my world changed and not for the better. It was my birthday and I had a phone call from DCS (Department of Child Services) to come to the office to speak with someone. Upon arrival I knew something was wrong as Aja was there. -- Backing up a few days to December 7th -- Aja had a small scrape mark on her right shin and it was shown to the school nurse. The nurse did her job and reported to the social worker who did her job (not very well though) and called DCS on December 8th. December 9th someone goes to question Aja about what had happened and how she got the mark. I had known for a while things with Rick weren't heading well but I was trying to tough it out because I felt we could work past it all in the end. -- Well after questioning me on December 9th the social worker told me she wanted to speak with Rick about the matter. Upon doing that I was informed they would be removing the girls from the home but felt the boys were safe since they were Rick's children. I rushed to the school to tell Sabrina what was going on and that I loved her. They had one week of the 1st semester left and I really wanted them to finish it at Xavier since I knew the dads home was not ready for 2 girls to be living there.
Things happened over the next week like court and being bullied into a decision I didn't realize I had a choice in the matter. So the girls were in foster care for almost 2 weeks right before the holidays. The court made a decision (after the case worker went behind a judges back to another judge to get it granted) that the girls could go stay with their dad during this whole ordeal (at least they would be with family for the holidays). I entered a complete emotional break-down. I didn't want to get out of bed, do much of anything, or spend time with the boys either. I felt so depressed and alone.
I am not saying I was or am a perfect person. I have made many bad choices in my life. I cheated on Rick with a few guys during 2011 because I just didn't feel that connection to him anymore. The year of 2011 was nothing but horrid painful memories that I wish I could forget. There was a lot of court dates, bad choices on my part, and one shining glimmer of light late in the year. --- I missed all the kids birthdays without seeing them. I missed Aja graduate Kindergarten. I wasn't there for Sabrina when she made herself so sick from anorexia that she ended up in the ER. I just wasn't there for my kids like a mother should be & I feel so bad about it but nothing I can do now to change it.
October 25, 2011 was the next day where my life turned shitty. On this day the father's were granted full custody of the children and my visitation with the girls was fully suspended until a therapist decides (which the girls dad refuses to let happen) while my visitation with the boys went to supervised.
----- August 27 2011 I met a really nice guy and after things with the boys dad were actually "over", I needed a place to stay and this guy helped me out. We got to together shortly there after and got married December 9 2011. -----
I have been diagnosed as a bi-polar with depression and schizophrenic like thoughts. Which does explain some of my actions but not them all. I am giving it time to get better still. On the right medicine finally and pray the day I see my kids again is sooner than later.
I will be using this blog to give updates on what is going on.
Things happened over the next week like court and being bullied into a decision I didn't realize I had a choice in the matter. So the girls were in foster care for almost 2 weeks right before the holidays. The court made a decision (after the case worker went behind a judges back to another judge to get it granted) that the girls could go stay with their dad during this whole ordeal (at least they would be with family for the holidays). I entered a complete emotional break-down. I didn't want to get out of bed, do much of anything, or spend time with the boys either. I felt so depressed and alone.
I am not saying I was or am a perfect person. I have made many bad choices in my life. I cheated on Rick with a few guys during 2011 because I just didn't feel that connection to him anymore. The year of 2011 was nothing but horrid painful memories that I wish I could forget. There was a lot of court dates, bad choices on my part, and one shining glimmer of light late in the year. --- I missed all the kids birthdays without seeing them. I missed Aja graduate Kindergarten. I wasn't there for Sabrina when she made herself so sick from anorexia that she ended up in the ER. I just wasn't there for my kids like a mother should be & I feel so bad about it but nothing I can do now to change it.
October 25, 2011 was the next day where my life turned shitty. On this day the father's were granted full custody of the children and my visitation with the girls was fully suspended until a therapist decides (which the girls dad refuses to let happen) while my visitation with the boys went to supervised.
----- August 27 2011 I met a really nice guy and after things with the boys dad were actually "over", I needed a place to stay and this guy helped me out. We got to together shortly there after and got married December 9 2011. -----
I have been diagnosed as a bi-polar with depression and schizophrenic like thoughts. Which does explain some of my actions but not them all. I am giving it time to get better still. On the right medicine finally and pray the day I see my kids again is sooner than later.
I will be using this blog to give updates on what is going on.
Blog taking a turn
This blog has taken a turn and will no longer be able my family. long story which will be covered in a post. I expect to be judged harshly from others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
