Job Search and Weight Loss

I've been actively looking for work now for 4wks. So far nothing has come up as of yet. I did have a job interview today at Meijer and it looks really promising that a job will be offered. Excited about it really. Can't wait to get back into the swing of working and paying my support in full to benefit my boys. My depression has taken a big turn and i feel worse again. I know it has to do with the fact that I am not working right now. I am slowly working thru it and will continue to do so.

I have started a life style change and will work with it until I reach my ultimate goal weight or the doctor agrees to let me have surgery. I am tracking everything on myfitnesspal.com, loseit.com, and writing things down on a daily basis so i can show the doctor my progress. I am already down 5lbs since I started on Sunday. Just a small update.

I miss my kids and love them very much. I pray they know that deep in their hearts.

Feeliong Not Bad

Well I didn't go to jail in May or July. I got a job which will sadly end in a few weeks as the company is going out of business. However, I was able to pay on the child support weekly for a few months and work on the amount I am behind. Which is a good thing. I am looking for another job to start after my current position ends. My medicine has been working really well. I feel like a new person and the depression episodes have been getting less. I am having mild panic attacks every morning at work. Not sure exactly why but I work thru them and don't let them get me down.

I have been having a few minor issues with my health so I have decided to take an active rule in losing some weight. I am currently at 250lbs and this is down from 260 2wks ago. I started Fat Predator today and so far the energy level is increased and we will see how this works over the course of a month. This is my before picture. I have my outfit I am trying on once a week to see how it fits. My first goal is 230lbs. If I can reach that then I know I will be on a good path to losing the weight and keeping it off! I retain my weight in the mid-section and it makes for difficult movements on somethings.

I guess for now this is all I really have to say other than ... I miss my kids so very much and I hope they all know that I love them so much it hurts not seeing them.

I Can't Win For Losing

last week I received a piece of mail from a pediatric eye doctor. It was an appointment card and new patient packet. I didn't make the appointment plus it was sent to the other address and forwarded to me. So I called the office to inquiry as to why it was sent in my name. Found out Leo is to see the eye doctor on April 20th. So I inform the lady that the mail was sent under the wrong name. She asked didn't we send it to the correct address? Well Yes you did however it was in my name and got forwarded. She apologized after i explained some of the situation to her. I told her which parents name to re-send the mail in and to the address on file. As far as I know I still have parental rights and can have access to the medical information if need be. I knew that I wouldn't see Rick again until May 7th. So I did what I felt was the proper thing (even though there is a no contact order in place between Rick and myself,) which was called and left a message on the voice-mail for Rick to inform him I received the mail and had called the office to let them know which name to re-send it in. Somehow the a-hole decides that I did all this without proper authorization and filed court papers to try and have me found in contempt and try to have me put in jail. If I go to jail fine so be it, but you know what I'd do it again as I'm not going to willingly let me child miss an appointment because his father is going to be a prick. I just wish he'd realize he has won and I have lost. He has the control he has always desired and never could get completely over me.  I try to do what a parent should do when there is a separation, but all it does it get me in trouble legally. So again I say "I Can't Win for Losing".

Sad Day for me

Today is Sabrina's 10th birthday. This makes for 2 birthday's i've missed of hers. Makes me sad and want to cry. I feel like I've failed as mother and person for missing her birthday again. I've tried to get a contact established but her father won't let me have the information I need to do that. I know he feels he has a good reason but he doesn't know how far I've come in my mental progress now. I've made a lot of progress. I just want to even be able to speak to my children and i'd be happy so they can hear me say "I love you" to them.

10yrs ago she was born after a night of induced labor. She was my little girl and beautiful. now she is growing into a young lady and still very beautiful. she is a very smart little girl and i am thankful for that. I pray everyday she knows that I love her and wish I could see her.

So in hopes of maybe someday she will get to read this.... Happy 10th Birthday to my Wonderful Daughter, Sabrina!!

Pregnancy

My pregnancies weren't the easiest in the world but no where near as complicated as others have either. The pregnancy was just rough on my body at points and it was made known. With Sabrina, I lost feeling in my legs at 6 months pregnant for about 6hrs, then at 38-39wks I developed a DVT which broken free becoming a PE and landing me in the hospital for a week, then delivered her at 41wks 2 days. Aja, I fell belly down at 7 months, came down with the flu around the same time, and had the same breathing issues as with Sabrina just no medical reason. Aja was born at 38wks 3days. Osiris - lets see here, I was so sick in the beginning i lost 30lbs (which really wasn't a problem i had some to lose), i had bad asthma problems, and delivered him at 37wks after back labor for a week and a half. Thaddeus landed me in the hospital at 14wks with leg swelling and everyone freaking out thinking i had another DVT, and I started taking lovenox injections, also developed a small tear in my amnio sac which landed me on taking it easy (it did heal fine on its own). Thaddeus was delivered at 38wks 6days. Mr Leonidas - now he wasn't a big issue really, but by the time he came around my poor body was so tired already I was prepared for almost anything except unexplained bleeding at 13wks which would make an appearance once in a while during the rest of the pregnancy.

Well all this leads me to the reason for the post anyways -- I found out on March 17th I am pregnant but its already giving a lot more questions than answers. I went to the ER on March 22nd for bleeding, I was told everything looked fine and that I am pregnant but just not as far as I thought I was. March 23rd i had another blood test ran as a follow-up from the night before and my hcg went from 23 to 41. I still bled for a week though. I was not ready to admit defeat though. I called the doctor anyways again and told them i passed something that looked like placenta. A quantitative hcg blood test was ordered and it came back that the levels went from 41 to 75. It is rising just not how it was supposed to be. I had another test ran on March 30 by the primary and they wouldn't tell me the results just that it went up. April 3rd another blood test ran and it went from 75 to 275. So now the OB is questioning himself on my pregnancy. When I asked him on March 29th about it he said i just dont feel your pregnant anymore. Now he is not sure that was right. He told me he is not saying i still couldn't miscarry but as of right now we will go with  i am pregnant and levels going up is a good thing. Current levels have me at about my 4th week of pregnancy. Yes going back that doesn't seem right since i got a positive on march 17th. I was able to get an ultrasound scheduled for April 17th @ 10am and it will seem like forever to get here.

Thru all of this Don has been supportive and caring. He tells me that no matter what happens it was ment to be and we will get thru this together. I will say though being pregnant makes me miss my kids even more because they won't get to be apart of this like they deserve to be.

Feeling Blue

Lately the last few days I have been feeling a little down compared to the norm of the last few weeks. I can't pinpoint what exactly is making me feel blue except I keep thinking about my kids. I miss them all so much. I want to be selfish and go take them all away for a day without permission BUT I KNOW that is not in their best interest or mine for that matter. I would even settle right now for pictures of my kids being sent to me so i can see them grow up. Watching them grow up in pictures in better than nothing at all.

I'm scared that this missing my kids will throw me into a deeper depression and land me in the hospital. Then what good would that do anyone? Nothing at all! Wouldn't do my husband or myself any good. I can AND will beat this feeling! Maybe a good walk will help me. That will be my plan for the day - take an hr walk.

I feel better a lil bit just writing this out to express myself. I know it is not a cure all but it really does help.

December 2010 to present

December 9, 2010 is the day my world changed and not for the better. It was my birthday and I had a phone call from DCS (Department of Child Services) to come to the office to speak with someone. Upon arrival I knew something was wrong as Aja was there. -- Backing up a few days to December 7th -- Aja had a small scrape mark on her right shin and it was shown to the school nurse. The nurse did her job and reported to the social worker who did her job (not very well though) and called DCS on December 8th. December 9th someone goes to question Aja about what had happened and how she got the mark. I had known for a while things with Rick weren't heading well but I was trying to tough it out because I felt we could work past it all in the end. -- Well after questioning me on December 9th the social worker told me she wanted to speak with Rick about the matter. Upon doing that I was informed they would be removing the girls from the home but felt the boys were safe since they were Rick's children. I rushed to the school to tell Sabrina what was going on and that I loved her. They had one week of the 1st semester left and I really wanted them to finish it at Xavier since I knew the dads home was not ready for 2 girls to be living there.

Things happened over the next week like court and being bullied into a decision I didn't realize I had a choice in the matter. So the girls were in foster care for almost 2 weeks right before the holidays. The court made a decision (after the case worker went behind a judges back to another judge to get it granted) that the girls could go stay with their dad during this whole ordeal (at least they would be with family for the holidays). I entered a complete emotional break-down. I didn't want to get out of bed, do much of anything, or spend time with the boys either. I felt so depressed and alone.

I am not saying I was or am a perfect person. I have made many bad choices in my life. I cheated on Rick with a few guys during 2011 because I just didn't feel that connection to him anymore. The year of 2011 was nothing but horrid painful memories that I wish I could forget. There was a lot of court dates, bad choices on my part, and one shining glimmer of light late in the year. --- I missed all the kids birthdays without seeing them. I missed Aja graduate Kindergarten. I wasn't there for Sabrina when she made herself so sick from anorexia that she ended up in the ER. I just wasn't there for my kids like a mother should be & I feel so bad about it but nothing I can do now to change it.

October 25, 2011 was the next day where my life turned shitty. On this day the father's were granted full custody of the children and my visitation with the girls was fully suspended until a therapist decides (which the girls dad refuses to let happen) while my visitation with the boys went to supervised.

----- August 27 2011 I met a really nice guy and after things with the boys dad were actually "over", I needed a place to stay and this guy helped me out. We got to together shortly there after and got married December 9 2011. -----

I have been diagnosed as a bi-polar with depression and schizophrenic like thoughts. Which does explain some of my actions but not them all. I am giving it time to get better still. On the right medicine finally and pray the day I see my kids again is sooner than later.

I will be using this blog to give updates on what is going on.

Blog taking a turn

This blog has taken a turn and will no longer be able my family. long story which will be covered in a post. I expect to be judged harshly from others.