I Can't Win For Losing

last week I received a piece of mail from a pediatric eye doctor. It was an appointment card and new patient packet. I didn't make the appointment plus it was sent to the other address and forwarded to me. So I called the office to inquiry as to why it was sent in my name. Found out Leo is to see the eye doctor on April 20th. So I inform the lady that the mail was sent under the wrong name. She asked didn't we send it to the correct address? Well Yes you did however it was in my name and got forwarded. She apologized after i explained some of the situation to her. I told her which parents name to re-send the mail in and to the address on file. As far as I know I still have parental rights and can have access to the medical information if need be. I knew that I wouldn't see Rick again until May 7th. So I did what I felt was the proper thing (even though there is a no contact order in place between Rick and myself,) which was called and left a message on the voice-mail for Rick to inform him I received the mail and had called the office to let them know which name to re-send it in. Somehow the a-hole decides that I did all this without proper authorization and filed court papers to try and have me found in contempt and try to have me put in jail. If I go to jail fine so be it, but you know what I'd do it again as I'm not going to willingly let me child miss an appointment because his father is going to be a prick. I just wish he'd realize he has won and I have lost. He has the control he has always desired and never could get completely over me.  I try to do what a parent should do when there is a separation, but all it does it get me in trouble legally. So again I say "I Can't Win for Losing".

Sad Day for me

Today is Sabrina's 10th birthday. This makes for 2 birthday's i've missed of hers. Makes me sad and want to cry. I feel like I've failed as mother and person for missing her birthday again. I've tried to get a contact established but her father won't let me have the information I need to do that. I know he feels he has a good reason but he doesn't know how far I've come in my mental progress now. I've made a lot of progress. I just want to even be able to speak to my children and i'd be happy so they can hear me say "I love you" to them.

10yrs ago she was born after a night of induced labor. She was my little girl and beautiful. now she is growing into a young lady and still very beautiful. she is a very smart little girl and i am thankful for that. I pray everyday she knows that I love her and wish I could see her.

So in hopes of maybe someday she will get to read this.... Happy 10th Birthday to my Wonderful Daughter, Sabrina!!

Pregnancy

My pregnancies weren't the easiest in the world but no where near as complicated as others have either. The pregnancy was just rough on my body at points and it was made known. With Sabrina, I lost feeling in my legs at 6 months pregnant for about 6hrs, then at 38-39wks I developed a DVT which broken free becoming a PE and landing me in the hospital for a week, then delivered her at 41wks 2 days. Aja, I fell belly down at 7 months, came down with the flu around the same time, and had the same breathing issues as with Sabrina just no medical reason. Aja was born at 38wks 3days. Osiris - lets see here, I was so sick in the beginning i lost 30lbs (which really wasn't a problem i had some to lose), i had bad asthma problems, and delivered him at 37wks after back labor for a week and a half. Thaddeus landed me in the hospital at 14wks with leg swelling and everyone freaking out thinking i had another DVT, and I started taking lovenox injections, also developed a small tear in my amnio sac which landed me on taking it easy (it did heal fine on its own). Thaddeus was delivered at 38wks 6days. Mr Leonidas - now he wasn't a big issue really, but by the time he came around my poor body was so tired already I was prepared for almost anything except unexplained bleeding at 13wks which would make an appearance once in a while during the rest of the pregnancy.

Well all this leads me to the reason for the post anyways -- I found out on March 17th I am pregnant but its already giving a lot more questions than answers. I went to the ER on March 22nd for bleeding, I was told everything looked fine and that I am pregnant but just not as far as I thought I was. March 23rd i had another blood test ran as a follow-up from the night before and my hcg went from 23 to 41. I still bled for a week though. I was not ready to admit defeat though. I called the doctor anyways again and told them i passed something that looked like placenta. A quantitative hcg blood test was ordered and it came back that the levels went from 41 to 75. It is rising just not how it was supposed to be. I had another test ran on March 30 by the primary and they wouldn't tell me the results just that it went up. April 3rd another blood test ran and it went from 75 to 275. So now the OB is questioning himself on my pregnancy. When I asked him on March 29th about it he said i just dont feel your pregnant anymore. Now he is not sure that was right. He told me he is not saying i still couldn't miscarry but as of right now we will go with  i am pregnant and levels going up is a good thing. Current levels have me at about my 4th week of pregnancy. Yes going back that doesn't seem right since i got a positive on march 17th. I was able to get an ultrasound scheduled for April 17th @ 10am and it will seem like forever to get here.

Thru all of this Don has been supportive and caring. He tells me that no matter what happens it was ment to be and we will get thru this together. I will say though being pregnant makes me miss my kids even more because they won't get to be apart of this like they deserve to be.