good end for the day

I listed a few double copies of a new movie on craigs list. I wanted them gone. I purchased 3 copies of the Ice Age 3 Dawn of the Dinosaurs from CVS back when it was on a good sale for me. (I am still trying to drink all the coke. Slowly of course. I am on the 2nd 12-pk since I bought them). Well both copies I listed on Craigslist have sold in less than 2hrs of posting the ad. Yay!!! I sold them cheap because I know other kids out there would want a copy and plus I didn't pay a lot for them anyways. So easy $20 for me. $10 for each copy. Really made my day before going to sleep.

What a last few days

So my stress lvl is roughly 10o out of 10. Ctx's are coming and they are strong and hurt. I am sure they are due to the stress level. So now just trying to hold out until my next appt on Monday with the ob to see if anything is happening down there. I plan to ask to be checked. I am sure nothings going on but i want to know.

I was going to go get checked last night but got home and took a T3 and 1/2 an ambien instead. it was so nice to get some sleep. The boys slept all night it was great!!

........

Sabrina's school nurse called today to give me a compliment on Sabrina's sense of responsibility with her medicine. Sabrina needed her inhaler and the nurse was not in the office. Sabrina got in the cabinet, got her inhaler did it and put it back, then went to the nurse's desk found a post-it note "wrote the time, her name, the date, and 2 puffs" then signed it. She said Sabrina is the ONLY second grader she trusts to do that with the medicine. Talk about a mommy ego boost. I may not do a lot of things right but I did teach my child the importance of her medicine.

Can't take it..

Rick has finally pushed me over the edge! I have spent the last 25hrs upset, stressed to the max, and crying off n on. Yes I am sure partly hormones. He has made my day today so completely utterly stressful. I told someone right in front of rick that I was ready to tell him and the girls dad to both go screw themselves. I am being treated as a child to the extent of being told who I can talk to and who I will take my children too for a doctor. As soon as I get cleared by the doctors after delivery then I will be looking at becoming a single mother of 5 children. I am scared out of my mind at this! I just don't know what else to do.

I am just so tired of nothing being right. I can't have children the right way because I have c-sections. I don't keep the house clean enough. I don't cook enough. The list goes on n on n on. I am just so tired. Yes I know the unknown is scary and will be hard. But it has to (just has to) be better than what I am dealing with right now. Rick told a lady today (who visits to check on me and help me get referrals as needed) that the girls don't like him and he doesn't really care for them either. How am I as a mother supposed to stay with someone who doesn't like my children? He even made sure to make sure she knew the girls were from another man and thats the whole problem. WTF?! If he felt that way from the beginning he should have told me before we brought 2 (almost 3) children into this world.

After him saying that I completely feel I just screwed up 3 little boys lives and feel like a failure to them already. Rick has the girls dad so upset with me because Rick called him and ripped into him today that he is going to try to take the van back. If he does that I will be completely screwed for getting the girls back n forth to school.

I had a counseling session today and walked out in a calm mood. Rick called and threw that out the damn window within 30 seconds. My bp is up to high for me and its draining me, at last check my bp was 143-111. I know its all stressed related and I am truly trying to get myself calmed down. Its just hard when the tension is so thick in the house right now that a steak knife would barely be able to cut it. So in just alittle over 11wks I will be starting hopefully the process of leaving Rick. I just don't know what else to do. Rick's mom last night said the last comment from her I could handle. I told him that and he is defending his mom.

Rick called me and left a message that we were going to go visit his mom for a few hours fine. I can deal with her for a few hours. He told the girl's we'd stop at McDonald's for lunch. Well he didn't do that. We get to his moms (this woman never seems to have any real food there anymore) and she feeds the kids buttered toast and chips for lunch. I get ticked off and tell the girls I will just go get food from the store nope can't do that because all the sudden rick n his mom have to fix her computer, router, and modem. I am not taking 5 kids by myself (ricks niece included) to the store when I know they will act up because we are away from home. So fast forward 5hrs later (way too long for me comfort level) and they order pizza. Great REAL food! The boys haven't napped since the crib smells funky. The girls are bored, tired and ready to go home. So of course Aja being Aja means she was not listening to what she was told. I got on Aja for that and it wasn't good enough for Rick's mom. She made Aja sit down (fine i was getting my pregnant butt in there to do that). She then proceeds to tell Aja "if I could I'd smack your butt so hard you wouldn't be able to sit down for 3 fucking years!" WHOA!! First off my kid back the hell off woman! Secondly touch my child in that way and I'll drop kick your old ass while telling you what I think of you!

I told Rick when we were heading home that next time he wants to have a tech fest at his moms to leave the kids and myself at home. I can watch spongebob and ignored just fine there. Plus at least at home I have food I know I can make the kids to eat. ....

Rick has Sabrina so afraid of him her teacher can see it and asked me about it. If I wasn't ready to pop any day now I'd look at moving now. However I don't think it'd be a great idea to do it now since then I wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids while I had Leo.

okay done venting and rambling. Writing (typing) out my feelings and thoughts truly does help me feel better.

C-section Date is Set!

So Monday I had an ob appt and the doctor was in complete shock that the c-section had not been scheduled yet. So he sent the request, scheduling has been working hard on my date for me.

I am scheduled for Dec 8th @ 9am! 32 days!!! I won't share my b-day with my son but 1 day before is not too bad either.

3 down 1 to go

Sabrina, Aja, and Thaddeus have all had this viral thing that's going around. The only child not to have it yet is Osiris. Hoping that he doesn't get it before I get him to the health department to get the h1n1 vaccine on Friday afternoon.

Sabrina's fever broke Sunday morning, Aja's and Thaddeus' fevers started Sunday night. Aja's fever broke on Monday afternoon and Thaddeus' is pretty much broken except at times when he needs fluids. Once he gets some he is fine.

33wks 3 days so we are looking 5wks 4days to 6wks until my c-section date. Ah! Hopefully plan on getting it ordered to be scheduled at my next visit. I need a date so I can tell my mom on when to tell her work when she won't be there so sh can spend time with the 4 grand-kids at home and take 2 of them to school and pick-up lol.

Sabrina sick

Sabrina has had a cough for 2wks now. At first it wasn't bothering her or anything. It has gotten worse, Tuesday she went and was seen doctor listened and looked her over. Said lungs sounded clear and she looked fine. If the cough was not better by today then when we showed up for the flu shot clinic to let them know to let the doctor know. Well the clinic was canceled. So we go to the store for a few groceries and come home. While in the store all she did was say she was cold. So I try to hurry up to get home.

once home she changes out of her school uniform, feeds the dogs and sweeps the floor real quick. We took her temp and 101.7 .... so I called the doctor and spoke with him. He wants me to do my best to treat her at home for the weekend. He wants to avoid her going to the ER at all costs right now. With her asthma she is at a great risk of catching the H1N1 from someone in the ER waiting room then normal people. So we are in for a fun weekend.

Stupid Google Calendar!!!

Okay so if I don't put every damn thing on the stupid google calendar I get told "i'm sorry it wasn't on there so I scheduled something else". OH MY FLIPPING GOODNESS!!!! I've only been saying out damn flicking out for 2 1/2wks now that the girls were going TODAY to the flu shot clinic at the doctors office for the flu shot since they have yet to have it. So now I get to drag the boys along in the cold and rain to get the girls their flu shots because Rick "forgot" i said i was taking the girls to get the flu shots.

My back doesn't hurt bad enough apparently so I get to go try to keep 2 boys entertained while we wait for the girls to get the flu shots.

I guess I should start putting on the calendar when I am going to take a shower, go pee, eat something, or walk to check the damn mailbox.

Ah!!

Okay so I am ready to scream. I am so tired of being made to feel like its MY JOB and ONLY MY JOB! to raise the kids. Granted I know the girls are mine fine, I'll do my job with them. But he is the step-dad and is supposed to be helping in that department but whatever. Now he is the father of the boys and I still get no damn help!!!

I have to try and cram all of my appts and any appts for the kids in on a Monday. Okay fine organization for him but whatever. I am so close to breaking and being over this. I honestly feel I'd handle things better on my own knowing that an adult in the house is not doing their part since it will all fall on me anyways. I mean is it so wrong to feel that the other adult in the house who helped bring 2 of the current 4 into this world help in their raising? I guess it is since I don't get any help. I ask for help and get felt to feel like my feeling of needing help doesn't matter at all.

I am doing my best but I am not sure how much longer that will be good enough or even work. ........................

Anyways, Leo looks to be a big boy. Monday I had an ultrasound done and he was showing to be 4lbs 13ozs at 32wks. His head was measuring in for the size of a 35wker. Based on the avg of all the measurements he is measuring on track to be ready for delivery on Dec 1st..... 12 days before my EDD. Big baby who hopefully will be completely healthy.

2yrs ago

2yrs ago I was in back labor with Osiris and no one believed me. Since I was not dialated with the contractions I was told "it's normal back pain that can happen here is some pain meds, go home and rest". It had all started on September 25, 2007 but figured it was really from all the walking I had done during the visit of my dad and step-mom. I was not concerned until after 2 days of taking tylenol extra strength the pain had not gone away but stayed and barely dulled down. I am handling things better this year than last year. I appreciate that I was able to get as far along as I did with Osiris and all my kids really. I know my kids birth experiences is no match for a lot of moms with "premies" and I mean not lung premature but premature in the whole term because they still have so much growing to do.

Don't get me wrong I am sad that time has flown by so fast for him and hes grown up so much already. I am still even concerned that this baby will spend a few days to a week in the NICU but I can already see I will handle it better than last year. After a lot of soul searching, I know this is not going to kill me and infact makes me stronger but not as strong as Niff and Mac. They will to me always remain stronger than myself to have come this far and be so strong still.

..........................................................................................................................

It seems that this pregnancy was not left out. I fell yesterday morning in the parking lot at church picking Sabrina up from a sleep over that was held there. Osiris was right behind me and I was turning around to find him and tripped over him and was able to get him moved off to the side enough before i fell so i didnt fall on him. I hurt my left side really good. My left shoulder is still hurting so tomorrow going to call the doctor to see what they want to do.

High Risk Doctor

Today at the hematology doctor i made mention of my spotting/bleeding and both doctors agreed that it was "not" normal while on lovenox. So now I am being referred to the high-risk doctor at the hospital just to double check and make sure everything is okay.

The high-risk doctor called my regular ob and told him to do an ultrasound. So I go tomorrow at 2pm for an u/s and see whats happening.