Pondering Life

I love my kids they are worth everything in the world to me. I love Rick but sometimes I really ask myself "Why?". He really doesn't seem to understand pregnancy at all and this is year number 3 in a row of it. By now you'd think he'd have some sort of clue! So I ponder life as to if I could make it on my own with 5 kids (after the baby is born). I know it would be hard but I know if I worked hard I could do it. Of course at first I would need my moms help to get settled and the sitter situation. Sometimes I also wonder why me? What did I do in life that was so wrong to have to be made to feel like this? ...... Rick and I grew up in different ways and they clash so much at times. I was always made to feel when I was a kid that my moms bed had a spot for me at times if needed. Not all the time but at times when she was going to nap once in awhile or at night if I was scared. Well Rick is absolutely against that. He has a hard time even letting me nurse at night because the baby would be sleeping in the bed until i woke up to move him/her or until the next feeding. At first I could tell you that everything was great with us but as time goes on more an more I realize that something just is not right here anymore. It makes me sad and angry at the same time. My stress level is so high my left eyebrow is always twitching. I prolly shouldn't make this post but I need to see it in writing for awhile before I delete it. So feel free to pass it on by.